I want
you to sit with me for a minute.
I want
you to think of your life.
How much of it was spent with people who loved you? People who valued your existence? Who respected your basic needs (food, hot water/heat, sanitation). Who comforted you when you were heartbroken?
How much of it was spent with people who loved you? People who valued your existence? Who respected your basic needs (food, hot water/heat, sanitation). Who comforted you when you were heartbroken?
That's
not everyone.
Some people spend their lives being ridiculed for having questions or fears. They are mocked when they are unsure. They are forced into situations that terrify them, sometimes with threat of punishment if they do not comply. They are treated as a bargaining chip. They are treated as a whipping boy for other's frustrations. They are told that they are an embarrassment.
Some people spend their lives being ridiculed for having questions or fears. They are mocked when they are unsure. They are forced into situations that terrify them, sometimes with threat of punishment if they do not comply. They are treated as a bargaining chip. They are treated as a whipping boy for other's frustrations. They are told that they are an embarrassment.
They are
told they are too much to deal with, while making them take on more than most
people can manage.
They are
told they are lazy, or inadequate, while their hands are tied to keep them from
acting.
They are
scapegoated for failures beyond their control.
They are
blamed for drinking problems, drug use, physical abuse dealt to them, and more.
Sometimes,
their consent is violated. Repeatedly. While being told they already made their choice.
In all
of this, these sequential failures and barrage of inadequacies, when they ask
for the barest minimum, heat in the winter, clothing,
or even healthy food, they are told that they ask too much, and that they are
draining others.
They are
lied to and told they'd get support so they could work, then it is ripped away,
and when they inevitably lose their job, it's of course because they just couldn't 'cut
it' like everyone else.
There is
never anything they can do that is good enough that they have basic human
value.
Sometimes,
they were beaten for this.
Many
become deeply depressed. Many fight it, and luckily, survive. Barely. White
knuckles on knife handles, beer bottles, steering wheels… they've fought…
They've
made it. Barely. Many haven't.
But then
they met you.
They've
come to trust you, and need you. They may work to anticipate your needs, and
try to take care of you. Mostly because they love you, but also because there's
always a terror that if they don't do enough, you'll throw them out like
everyone else. You too will turn on them, like everyone else.
Then…
something happens.
Something
causes these decades of abuse to burst out over seemingly innocuous events, and
it drives them to desperate feelings that, while they fight them, they can't.
In these
moments, they can't ask for what they need.
Because
they've been there before. In that place where they felt like this. And when
they asked for help, they were mocked, demeaned, or told to go ahead, do that
thing they were feeling.
They
can't ask.
They
don't know what they need. Because their heads are screaming that there is one
final solution to all of the pain and panic and fear and grief and it is taking
all they have to say
"NO,
no… I am not going to do that".
"No,
I'm just going to sit here, and not move"
They
can't ask.
They can
yell, and scream. They can sometimes cry. They can panic. They can withdraw.
They can lash out.
But they
can't ask.
If you
know them, don't make them. Look for the signs. Take what they say seriously.
See their reactions for what it is.
Because
waiting for a traumatized person to ask for what they need may mean they don't
get it.
https://womenyoushouldknow.net/stop-telling-us-to-ask-for-help-depression-doesnt-work-like-that/
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